Ledge by Grey Huffington

PROLOGUE

Drip.Drop.

Drip. Drop.

Drip. Drop.

The sound of the slowly leaking water landing in the bucket that sat in the middle of my bathroom floor was most prominent in the silence. And, as much as I hated a soundless moment because it gave my thoughts the opportunity to grow louder, the simple thought of television or music overstimulated me. With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and welcomed the abundance of emotions that were behind my conjoined lids.

Urrrrrrrrrn. The front door closed, slowly, signaling my mother’s departure. Though it occurred every night at the same time, it never got easier. In fact, it was the most difficult part of my day. Please don’t go. I wanted to scream but the words wouldn’t come out. She’s gone. My six-year-old brain quickly processed as my eyes began to sting in the darkness of my bedroom.

Across my nose and onto the side of my face, my tears drained. The others hit the bed, making the loudest, most silent scream one would ever hear. I wished, desperately, that I had the gumption to rise from my bed and call after her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. There’s no use, I summed.

Not only would she ignore my pleas and continue with business as usual, but the consequences were far too horrid. Fear confined me to my room. Sometimes, it was safest here. At least until the sound of the door slamming against the threshold rocked my core. At that moment, each and every night, there was no place safe enough to run or hide.

“It’s going to be okay Mr. Stuffy,” I whispered, tearfully.

More than anything else, I was remorseful for the things that my incredibly soft, brown teddy had witnessed. Just like me, he didn’t deserve the experiences he’d been forced to endure. Every day, I wished we could take each other’s pain away, but I’d learned that it was impossible.

“It’s going to be okay,” I said, again, patting his round belly to prepare him for the inevitable.

Or, maybe, I was preparing myself. Maybe it was me who I was comforting. Maybe it was me who I was coaxing. Maybe it was me who I was reminding that everything would be okay. Maybe that was it.

Discomfort and anxiousness quickly followed my words. A deep, weighted sigh pushed through my lips. It was the first of many that I knew was to come while sleep dodged me. I closed my eyes anyway and began counting upward.

“One. Two. Three. Four.”

Seventy-six.That’s how far I counted before the familiar thudding halted all movement and thought. The method I used to cope to silence the craziness in my head no longer sufficed. The altering, very dominating sound of large feet stomping in my direction canceled all else.

My thin frame began to shiver as if I was jacketless in negative twelve-degree weather. But, I wasn’t. In fact, I was in my bedroom, tucked underneath my cover which was believed to be the safest place for a child. However, it wasn’t.

Run. Hide. Scream. My thoughts sounded off in my head. Had any of those ever supported my case in the past, then I would’ve. But, because I knew they wouldn’t, I remained still, unmoving other than my quivering frame that rattled against my sheets, involuntarily.

Urrrrrrrrrn. The door that desperately needed fixing crept open.

It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.Over and over, at an insanely rapid pace, I repeated in my head. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.

But it wasn’t. My delusion stemmed from my optimism and pure innocence as an six-year-old who only saw the good in humans, even those who were evil. My little heart couldn’t help but believe that things would be okay. Telling myself that there was greater on the opposite side of this all gave me something to hope for and I didn’t hope for much. Not often at least. Probably not at all.

Though my eyes were already closed, I squeezed my lids tighter as the halted stomping started up again. This time, they were so close that I could hear the creaking of the floorboards underneath the pressure they caused. The pungent and very familiar smell of filth and disgust seemed to be the chosen fragrance, topped with notes of brown liquid that burned your throat, chest, and tummy. Hadn’t I been forced to drink it on one too many occasions then I wouldn’t have known what it felt like sliding down your internals.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I began to panic.

Vomit rose from my belly, threatening to spill from my mouth. Knowing that it would result in a much harsher punishment if it surfaced, I swallowed it back. Thick and chunky, it went down my throat with resistance. My eyes popped open in the dark as I tried to fight the anxiety that swelled in my throat.

The heat from the burial of my body underneath the cover was revoked. The pink comforter was flung backward, down to my ankles. Simultaneously, my mattress shifted to accommodate the body weight that was added. And, now, instead of the one person that belonged in my twin-sized bed, there were two.

The covers were brought up and over my body, again, but at this point, they didn’t matter. I still shivered from the sheer and raw reality of what was next to come. Then I felt a large, uninvited hand snake up my stomach, starting at the tail end of my Princess-covered pajama shirt. It was my favorite out of all the sets my mother had bought.

Because I believed that in some far, far away place that I was in, I was waiting to become a queen, and was being treated so well. I closed my eyes and imagined so much more than my reality could contribute. However, there was a place that could. And, to that place is where I drifted as I felt the same fingers brush across my tiny, very young, and barely even visible nipples.

My eyes poppedopen as I gasped for the little oxygen that seemed to be left in my lungs. With each deep and sharp breath I took, my chest rose and sank. On each rise, it collided with the side of Mr. Stuffy’s face. I squeezed him tighter as I tried to rid myself of the memories that plagued my existence and altered my future.

Those founding moments that finalized my identity were ones that I desperately needed to forget but I couldn’t. The stress and trauma that my mind, body, and heart were put under for the duration of my elementary years were paramount to my presence. There wasn’t such a thing as forgetting any of it. I lived with the results each and every day. And, as unfortunate as it was for me, it was life.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said aloud, wiping the fresh, hot tears from my cheeks.

A new, very unfamiliar emotion diluted every other one in my body. Rage centered my line of sight and consumed my thoughts. Before I was able to stop myself, Mr. Stuffy was flung across the room.

It’s not going to be okay… not unless I make it that way. Exhaustion from the constant state of fear, paranoia, and vigilance that I was in was daunting. Just once, I wanted to feel something else. Normal. I wanted to feel normal for once. Because, since the day that my innocence was stolen from me, I felt like a zombie that served as a walking billboard that displayed the hurt and pain that my trauma caused.

Though I didn’t encounter many people, the ones that I did ever so often, I had a deep, unsettling feeling that they knew. Everybody knew. They had to. At least that’s how it seemed—according to the constant stares to the sudden private chatter with friends and family standing closest to them.

So, to spare myself the embarrassment, I made my home my safe haven. It’s where I spend the majority of my time. All of it, truthfully. It’s my place of refuge and I’d never even consider trading it for the discomfort of being around or accessible to others. Home. It’s exactly where I want to be.

Home. The loud, thunderous footsteps had long ago disappeared, and clutching Mr. Stuffy happened to dissolve my desires for companionship rather than uninvited company. The sound of my mother’s car starting in the driveway didn’t cause saltiness to seep from my eyes anymore. The smell of brown liquor and tobacco didn’t haunt me nightly. Home. Not here.

Everything in my world, now, was dictated and created by me. Almost nothing was out of my control, anymore. This kept my anxiety at bay, my paranoia at tolerable levels, and my head above water. Everything… I controlled everything.

Drip. Drop.

Drip. Drop.

Drip. Drop.

Except that. It was a persistent problem that required assistance beyond my capabilities. The maintenance team had fixed it twice already. But, with the issue stemming from an elderly’s apartment upstairs who often forgot that she was running bath water, it felt like a never-ending cycle. One that required an unwanted presence in my space, forcing me to surrender control of the safe haven I’d created for myself.

It was a grueling few hours each time they showed up at my door. And, for the length of their visit, I was confined to my bedroom with my back and door stopper against the door. Surely, they can’t get in, I always thought with trembling hands and legs.

“I can’t let this hinder me forever. I can’t let him hinder me forever. Then, he wins… again,” I whispered through deep, heavy breathing.

As I stood to my feet, revelations stormed my thoughts. Maybe I’ll just go outside. Maybe I could go get a drink. Maybe I could visit a bar. Find a handsome man to go home with. Gain control of my body and vagina and my life again. Yes. I nodded, considering all the possibilities. This one sounded the scariest but I was ready to face my fears. It was the only way to begin to fix what had been broken.

That’s it. I just know that if I willingly give my body to someone and it be my choice, I’ll feel so much better. Okay. That’s what I’ll do. I have to so that I can at least start healing. This is for the best. I can do this. I’ve been working toward this. I can leave the apartment. I’ve got this. I have no other choice. I owe this to myself… to the child and adult in me. I convinced myself. Suddenly, the labored drag disappeared from my breathing and I was able to take much lighter, easier breaths.

But, wait. What will I wear?

Kamber!

Anxiously, I skipped out of my bedroom. My feet tapped against the carpeted floor as I rushed through my apartment, down the long hallway, and into the living room. My shoes were neatly stuffed into small cubbies beside the couch for easy access. I despised shoes inside my home.

I slid my feet into a pair of sandals. Ahhhh. I sighed, inwardly. It felt like I was walking on clouds. The fluffiness of the shoe’s sole was carefully thought out and skillfully executed. Each time I stepped into them, I was reminded why I paid seventy-five dollars for them. They were worth every tearful penny I stressed over before hitting the complete payment button.

With my shoes on my feet, I was prepared to make my exit. My adrenaline, hypothesis for what could happen, and curiosity of what could transpire over the next few hours pushed me forward. My hand stretched, ready to make contact with the silver knob until reality kicked in.

DOOR. My movements came to a screeching halt.

With an outstretched hand, I stood still, unmoving. Sweat beads formed on my forehead. Dryness lumped in my throat. And, the pressure, it consumed me. Finally, I rested my eyelids on top of one another and took a deep breath.

You’ve got this. You can do it. You’ve been preparing for this moment. There’s no one who will hurt you on the other side of the door. There’s, in fact, no one at all.I coached, determined not to.

Before opening my eyes and losing a battle that I’d lost for the last fourteen years of my life, I reached forward and grabbed the handle. Agoraphobia has plagued me since the young, immature age of fourteen. Life had already worn me down mentally, physically, and emotionally by the time I reached high school. And, it wasn’t until then that I was freed from the hell I was living in. Unfortunately, the damage was already done.

Door. It’s just a door.I twisted the knob and the lock above it, one right after the other. One foot in front of the other, I stepped forward. The night breeze swept across my skin with perfect timing. It was the gentle hug from nature that I needed to assure me that things were okay. But are they? I wondered.

WHAM!My apartment door slammed behind me, pulling me from my thoughts and back into the moment. I’m outside! I screamed, internally. I’m outside!

As the realization socked me square in the eyes, swelling them, the sound of a door unlocking and detaching from its threshold captured my attention.

WHAM!I ran into my apartment door trying to get back inside.

“Damn girl, at least open it first. Shaky-ass,” Kamber cackled, causing my eyes to roll one way and then the other.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked, sighing deeply while holding onto the handle of my door. I had just made it outside and I was already ready to get back inside.

“Nah. The question is, what are you doing out here?” She countered, placing a hand on her hip.

With a shrug, I revealed my truth. I hardly knew myself—not for real, anyway.

“I was sitting on the couch in silence, minding my before-work-ass business, and heard your door slam. I had to make sure that I wasn’t hearing things. Now, I have to make sure I’m not seeing things. Halo… outside?”

“Stop it,” I sighed, “I’m trying here, Kamber.”

“And, I see. I’m just trying to grasp it all. I see the desperation in those brown eyes of yours. What is it? What are you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I was headed to your place to knock on the door.”

“And borrow some sugar or nah?”

“Noooo. Some clothes, maybe?” I tossed out with a knitted right brow.

“Some clothes?” Kamber shrieked, “Girl for who? For where? For what?”

“Shhhh,” I hushed her, “Can you keep it down?”

“Forgive me if I am in total fucking shock right now, but my homie from the other side of the door is actually out of the door… asking for clothes which could only insinuate she’s going somewhere. Not to mention she’s not on the other side of the door right now. She’s in my fucking face. Do you understand my excitement right now? Hmmm?”

She bounced from one side to the other like a cheerleader in the middle of a chant.

Embarrassment burned the peaks of my cheeks. I was almost positive my dark skin had turned a shade of crimson as if I’d blushed my jaws. With a shake of my head, I turned toward my door and pushed it open, again. I can’t do this, I quickly summed.

“Nevermind.”

Kamber was swift on her toes, catching the defeat on my face and in my posture as I took one step forward. I felt her body rush past mine as she threw herself against my door. Her back landed with a thud that I was sure ached.

“Nooooo. Not nevermind, Halo. This is good, really good. I apologize but I was just a little shocked. Well, very. Come on. Let’s not ruin this very important moment, huh? I’ll go back into my place and mind my business so that you can finish the task that you set out to complete.”

“I was coming to your door,” I reminded her.

“I know… so come to the door. I’m stepping back inside, okay?”

“Okay.”

She was sure to close my apartment door before tiptoeing down the two steps that led to the sidewalk and then up another two that led to her apartment. Once she was inside, I debated whether or not turning around and going into my own apartment would feel better than walking the very short distance to Kamber’s place.

I can’t do this.Finalizing, I twisted on the tips of my toes and reached for the handle of my door, again.

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

“No. Come on. You’ve got this!” Kamber yelled through the window that she was knocking on. “Let’s go Halo, let’s go! Let’s go Halo, let’s go!”

Her impromptu cheer coated my uncertainty with assurance. Instead of opening the door and locking myself into my apartment again, I took one step in her direction.

Then another.

Then another.

Then another.

Then another.

The sound of loud, roaring clapping was the boost of confidence I needed to continue.

Another one.

Another one.

Another one.

Another one.

My right foot hit the door in front of me, signaling my arrival. Panic-stricken, I stilled my body and looked from one side to the other. Run! My voice screamed in my head. It took every ounce of strength not to pick up my feet and dash back into my apartment. My apartment. It’s not locked. What if someone… Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“Where are you going?” Kamber snatched her door open and ran onto the small porch that we both had alike after seeing me make a run for it.

“It’s unlocked,” I told her.

“What?”

“My door. It’s unlocked.”

“If you go back inside, you won’t come back out. I know this, Halo. Don’t go inside.”

Her words stopped me in my tracks. She was right. If I went inside to retrieve my keys, I wouldn’t return.

“I’ll go get your keys. You, on the other hand, come inside of my house.”

My hesitation was a result of the screeching in my head. So many thoughts. So little space.

“And, get out of your head, Halo. Everything is fine, friend. You’re okay.”

I am.I admitted. Because I was. The anxiety that contributed to the stress of even the thought of leaving my apartment was tolerant. Mild, even. I turned my palms upward to find them free of sweat, but I wiped them on my pant legs, anyway, out of habit.

“I want to go have a drink,” I exclaimed, feeling the weight of the world lifting from my shoulders. I felt that if I spoke it into the universe, then maybe it could actually happen. And, if I revealed my plans to Kamber, she’d make sure they happened.

“And, maybe meet a guy. You know, take control of my life, again.”

“Aka, knock the cobwebs out of that pussy.”

“Kamber,” I pled.

“Okay. Okay. Sorry. A little too much, huh?”

“Yes. But, also, yes to your question. I’m so tired of breathing but not living. I feel cursed. I just want to feel normal for once. You know, in control of a situation involving my body and my vagina but not alone. With someone.”

“Tonight?”

“Yes. It’s either now or never.”

“Not Halo wanting a one-night stand. If you’d told me this was in my deck of cards, I would’ve sworn you were lying to me!” She howled.

“Do you have to be so dramatic?” I whined.

“Yes. In fact, yes the fuck I do. This is big shit, friend. Now, come inside and let’s get you all the way together. Don’t worry about your door. I’ll lock it up. What size are you?”

“An eight.”

“Perfect. I figured as much, anyway,” she mumbled as she grabbed my hand and pulled me into her apartment.

It was so contrasting to mine. The vibrance and palette of bright colors brought a smile to my face. I hardly noticed when she snuck out to go lock my door. It wasn’t until she was gone that I remembered to tell her where my keys were.

“My keys are–,” I started, but cut the statement short when I realized I was the only one standing inside of the apartment.

Preoccupied with the large, artful pieces displayed on the wall, I quickly lost track of time. Instead of leading with my head, for once, I led with my eyes and my heart. My thoughts were silenced, but my eyes slowly danced from one section of Kamber’s living quarters to the other. And, my heart galloped with glee, crashing into my chest cavity with each beat.

Something other than a novel held me captive. The revelation wasn’t lost upon me as my lips stretched from one side of my face to the other. I could feel the thin lines underneath my eyes as a result of the happiness the colors brought me, especially cream. The fuzziness I felt inside each time I laid eyes on it was revealing.

My favorite color?I asked. My favorite color! I followed up immediately. After twenty-eight years, I finally found it.

“Ha,” I chuckled, thrilled with my new discovery. “Cream.”

“What the hell are you smiling so hard about,” Kamber asked.

She’d reentered her apartment, undetected. Her sudden presence startled me, but I tried my hardest to suppress the feelings that accompanied the disappointment I felt for not being vigilant enough. Too consumed with the beauty of her space, I gave anyone the opportunity they were possibly waiting for.

No one is coming to harm you, I reminded myself.

“I just learned that cream is my favorite color,” I shared, slightly embarrassed. My cheeks blushed red as they burned.

“Well, lucky you. I still haven’t found my favorite color. I feel like it’s something new every month. Yellow. Black. Orange. Blue. Gray. Cream. Girl, I have no idea. I like them all. I guess that’s why I’ve incorporated them into my decor. I just can’t choose.”

“I love your apartment,” I confessed.

“Well, unfortunately, you can’t hide out in here.”

We both shared a soft, hearty chuckle.

“It wouldn’t be tonight, at least,” sighing, I joked.

It added a cool point to my book. It wasn’t often that I did, but the moment felt right.

“Sure not. I’m about to call in so that I can take you to this new bar I’ve been hearing about for the last few months. I still haven’t had the chance to visit because I work at night. Tonight though, they can kiss my ass.”

“I don’t want you missing work on my account.”

“Girl, this is big shit. Okay. I’ve been dreaming of the day you come over and say fuck everything, let’s hit brunch or go grab dinner. Something. Anything. A bitch don’t have friends. They’ve all misused my kindness, betrayed my trust, or fucked my ex.”

“Your ex?” With crinkled brows, I questioned.

“Another story for another day. Let’s first get you loosened up a bit.”

“How?” I wondered… aloud.

“We’re starting with a shot. Which do you prefer, clear or brown?”

“Clear or brown what?” Confused, I asked for clarification.

“Liquor!” Kamber scoffed, “Stop playing.”

“I’m not. I don’t drink.”

“As in don’t drink or never had a drink?”

“Never had a drink.”

“By choice?”

No. The word echoed in my head.

“Yes.”

“You’re a strong human being. There’s no way I wouldn’t be popping wine bottle after wine bottle in the house all day. Choose one, though.”

“Brown,” I stated, confidently, though I was everything but.

After being educated on the subject at hand and what Kamber was referring to, I chose the opposite of what I’d often seen growing up as a kid. Our kitchen counter was full of clear bottles filled with clear liquids.

“My girl!” Kamber chanted before rushing off toward the kitchen.

I looked around, nervously, wondering what was I to do next. The discomfort began to intrude my thoughts as my unfamiliar surroundings threatened to drive me to the point of no return. It felt as if the room was spinning and there was nothing around to support my weight as dizziness overcame me.

“Halo!” I heard Kamber scream, commanding my attention.

“Hmm?” I asked, feeling woozy.

“You’re okay, friend. I promise. Here, take this.”

Kamber handed me a small clear glass that was half full. When I accepted it, willingly, silence followed. I brought the cup near my nose and regretted it instantly.

Sweaty, musty, and clammy skin brushed against mine. The smell of fruit that had soured permeated the air and seeped through his pores. It was as bold as it was disgusting. I’d grown to hate it over the years. Grown-up juice. That’s what my mother called it, daring me to ever touch it. She didn’t have to worry. I never would. I hated the smell of it and I hated that it was the only juice that he wanted.

“Halo,” a familiar voice called out to me.

“Huh? Uh. Sorry,” I whispered, pushing a heavy sigh through my nose and mouth.

Before I could stop myself, I tilted the glass until it was bottom-side-up and my neck was stretched backward, as far as it would go.

“Shit na. We didn’t even get to toast.”

“Pour me another one,” I breathed. “We can toast with that one.”

“Oh, I see what type of night you’re trying to have. Let me put my boss on notice and make sure my little friend on standby. You’re not the only one trying to control some shit in the bedroom tonight. I’m going to work these pussy muscles and milk this nigga for all his cum. I have one more Plan B in the drawer in there. I’m trying to use it!”

“You can do that?”

“Do what?”

“Use your vaginal muscles to make a man… you know.”

“I don’t. Say it.”

“Cu— Ejacul—,” I stuttered, unable to bring myself to say any of it.

“Say it. Gone ahead. You got it,” Kamber joked.

“Seriously, can you?”

“Yes, ma’am. And, he’ll love you for a lifetime for doing it, too.”

As I allowed her words to sink in, she poured another glass of brown liquor.

“Here,” she said as she handed it to me.

“What if I can’t do it right?” I asked.

“If it’s something you really want to do, then it will come naturally. Is it something you really want to do?”

“Yes.” Immediately, I knew the answer to that question. Though spontaneity wasn’t my style, I was tired of my norm. Because, truthfully, it wasn’t normal at all.

“Then, I think you’ll be fine.”

“I don’t even know what to say to a guy. ‘Hey, I’m a really weird adult who was sexually assaulted from the age of six to the age of fourteen and has never freely given my body to anyone. But, tonight, I want to give it to you? So, please take it and also take the awkwardness that comes with me and my socially inexperienced self? Please?’ Is that what I’m supposed to say?”

“No. We’re just going to make sure this milky skin is popping and those big, brown eyes are on full display. You won’t have to say anything. They’ll be waiting to get a word in with you.”

“How do I choose which one is my best option?”

“Follow your gut, it’ll never steer you in the wrong direction. Plus, I’ll be there with you.”

Ping. Just as soon as she finished her statement, her cell pinged.

“Oooooor not,” she sighed. “My boss says we’re already short two people and she really needs me.”

My heart sank into my ankles. Initially, I was prepared to explore a night out in Channing alone, but once she added herself into the picture, it got clearer. Now, the thought of her not joining me was causing my chest to ache and my eyes to blur.

“But, if we head out in the next… thirty minutes or so… I can make it happen. I have another hour before my shift begins. She won’t mind me being a few minutes late. If your luck is low and you don’t encounter anyone worth your time, then you can text me. I’ll sneak off to bring you back home. Deal?”

“Deal!” I agreed.

“Now, a toast to a night of good laughter, good music, good drinks, and a good dick down.”

“Kamber!”

“Just drink!”

I swallowed all the liquor in the glass at once. The first portion of my consumption was already beginning to take effect. I could feel a difference within me, though I couldn’t quite describe it.

“I know that’s right,” Kamber squealed. “Now, let’s go get dressed.”

Everything had loosened.Anxiety wasn’t knotted in my throat and there was a permanent smile on my face. I felt as if I was floating on clouds. Nothing made sense, but that was okay. I was okay and that was most important.

“IDs, please,” the big, tall guy standing by the door requested.

“It’s already in your hand,” Kamber said, reminding me that I was already prepared. She made sure of it before we left her apartment so that I didn’t feel indifferent about anything for the night.

I lifted my hand, slowly and waited as he examined it. Kamber did the same. My locked knees and elbows were signs of discomfort that Kamber immediately picked up on. The close vicinity of the large male figure to my frame was alarming.

“Straight ahead and through those doors. Enjoy your night,” he insisted.

One foot in front of the other, I rushed past him and through the doors of the bar that Kamber suggested. The second I was on the other side of them, I sighed in sheer relief. Still, slightly loosened, I chuckled as I clung to the wall with my right palm.

“I’m outside,” I tittered. “Like, outside.”

“Not at this very moment. You’re actually inside and broke your neck trying to get here.”

“I feel like… like I’ve got this.”

“That’s because you do.”

“For so long, my past has controlled my world. I’m tired, Kamber. I just want to feel normal… even if just for one night.”

I bowed my head, the shame of my expectations for the night falling at my feet. Tonight was all about me and breaking the chains that have held me captive since six. It wasn’t until I turned fourteen that I was rescued from the shitty life my mother subjected me to.

I lived with my paternal grandmother throughout high school, up until I was nineteen when she died of a heart attack. It happened to be the night that I finally revealed my truth and finally admitted that I had been victimized far longer than she’d imagined and much more had transpired than Child Protective Services led her to believe.

She was my safe space for five years and then she died of heartache. No one could convince me otherwise. She loved me with everything within her, though she didn’t know that I even existed until she received a call from CPS. My visit to the emergency room from severe bleeding, cramping, and a high fever led to the discovery of an ectopic pregnancy. Questions were asked for the first time and without anyone near that had caused me harm, I answered them all truthfully.

“Those batteries worn out, huh?”

“Hmm?” I lifted my head to ask.

“The batteries on your vibrator. They’re worn out?”

“Are you ever serious?”

“I try to be but it’s just too serious.”

“Really, Kamber?”

“Really!” She exclaimed as we continued down the hallway. “But, are they?”

“I’d never used one until about six months ago,” I whispered, my 5’4 frame lifting slightly to reach her ear. Kamber was a bit taller than me, but not so much.

“I knew you weren’t always in that apartment just staring at the walls. How’d you like it?”

“I can’t say that I did for the first four months. I tried it once and never touched it again for that long. I’ve never felt good about anything sexual so it was very hard to focus. I was too in my head. But last month, I tried it again. Then, again this month and—” I sighed.

“Now you want to experience the real thing,” she finished.

“Yeah. It’s like, I thought I’d be taking control of my body so that I could feel better about myself but I just feel dirty after using it.”

“Oh, you’re not the only one that feels dirty after they get what’s theirs. I be tossing my shit across the room like, why are you even by me?”

“Get theirs?”

“After they nut.”

“That’s the thing, Kamber, I never get to that point. I’m too stuck in my head. But, I want to. I feel like if it’s not the real thing, then it doesn’t count. Not my orgasm, but the control aspect of it. Like, if a man isn’t involved then I’m not really owning my sexuality and my body. I’m just… having an orgasm.”

“Never gotten to that point? Oh yeah. We’re getting you some dick, tonight.”

We were so close to the loud music that I could feel it on my cheeks. Kamber pushed forward but I stepped backward and pressed my back against the wall behind me.

In and out.

In and out.

Deep breaths, Halo.

In and out.

In and out.

“Hal—” Kamber called out after noticing I had stopped mid-stride. She backtracked until she was in front of me.

“Listen, I got you. Okay? You don’t have to worry about anything. If you’re uncomfortable, we can leave.”

“No. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m just taking it all in,” I lied.

I wasn’t exactly okay, but I wasn’t overwhelmed either. I simply had a plethora of emotions that were swarming me, simultaneously. In order to move forward, I had to confront them.

“I’m serious. If you want me to hold your hand through the entire time we’re here, I will. And, when I leave so will you. I don’t want you here alone and suddenly get overstimulated.”

“No. No. I’m okay. Please don’t babysit me tonight. I really, really need this. In fact, when we go in, can you just stay a little distance from me so that I can take this moment to stand on my own two feet? You don’t understand what that would mean for me. I want to be proud of myself when I’m home alone, again. I want to have something to look forward to whenever I decide to come out again.”

“Alright. Alright. I understand. But, the second I think you’re in way over your head, I’m stepping in. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“You need to loosen up a bit more so make sure your first stop is the bar. I’ll be there, but with distance, of course.”

“Of course.” I smiled with a nod.

Kamber led the way. Slowly, I followed her lead while still maintaining a small distance between us. She was the most confident woman I knew. And, though I didn’t know many, I wasn’t a stranger to society as a whole. I’d gone through twelve years of school and encountered girls, boys, women, and everything in between. Kamber, however, stood out amongst them all.

I wish I had that,I admitted. As I watched intently at her form and every movement of her body, I began to adjust mine. I squared my shoulders and exaggerated my height by stretching my neck and holding my head high. Just like Kamber, I gave head tilts to the people we passed along our journey to the bar.

I feel silly. My thoughts were loud but my desperation was louder. But, you look normal. There was a war going on in my head as I walked what felt like the longest distance to the bar. Thankfully, the lounge wasn’t crawling with patrons. There were a handful of people every few feet. There was plenty of sitting room and a small dance floor. Approximately sixty percent of the tables were taken and there were a few people hanging around the bar. It wasn’t completely empty, but it wasn’t at full capacity, either. I’d take that over an overcrowded spot any day.

“What you having, pretty lady?” I heard beside me, jerking me from my thoughts and observation of the bar.

I could feel my heart try to escape through my breast as I whipped my head in the direction of the deep, lacy tenor. It felt like forever before I located the source and the moment I managed to, it required every ounce of strength that my body possessed for me not to call out to Kamber.

Our eyes locked. His brown ones and my brown ones, different shades and gazing in different directions. The unfamiliarity of the moment and emotions that accompanied him left me gasping for oxygen that I knew was all around me; otherwise, I would have curled over and suffocated a long time ago.

My heart drummed.

Mouth dried.

Throat swelled.

Eyeballs blossomed.

Palms clammed.

Stomach knotted.

Head swam.

And, my vagina… it secreted.

What is happening?I panicked. I was on the brink of wooziness and it had absolutely nothing to do with the two drinks I’d had at Kamber’s or my agoraphobia. It was him. Whoever “him” was.

Say something, Halo.

Say something.

Anything.

Just say something.

A thick lump of nothingness formed in my throat, stopping words from exiting. It wasn’t my fault. Not really, at least. My body was betraying me. With each second that passed, our eyes stayed locked. Though I desperately wanted to break eye contact, his magnetic presence wouldn’t allow it. I was immobile. My systems were disabled and decided not to contribute to the moment.

Say something, Halo.

Say something.

Nothing. Nothing would escape me.

“I’ll give you time to think about it, but whatever it is, it’s on me.”

He started in the other direction and I could feel my heart tearing as he turned his back toward me. The thought of him leaving me so soon was far too much to bear, forcing me to swallow back the lump in my throat and trash the thoughts in my head that forbade my actions.

“Grown-up juice. I’ll have grown-up juice. Brown.”

His brows folded as he turned in my direction again.

“Grown-up juice?” He asked, confused as I was as to why I’d said that.

Dammit, Halo. Did you just say that?I chastised myself.

“Enlighten me,” he smiled, crumbling my heart into pieces.

A man so perfect it’s painful to watch. I concluded.

“Alcohol,” I said, lowly, clearing my throat right after.

Embarrassment stained my cheeks. The peaks burned as my mouth overcompensated itself with constant saliva pools that needed to be swallowed every other second.

“We’re at a bar, pretty lady. I wouldn’t assume you were talking about anything else.”

Without even seeing them, it was obvious he stood back on his legs. I didn’t miss the moment they locked and his arms folded in front of him. His bright jewelry was very contrasting to his dark skin, but they both glistened in the dark, taking control of my body.

No. No. Wake up! I demanded of myself. You’re the one in control here.

I straightened and squared my sagging shoulders, just like Kamber. Then, I hiked my chin up just a bit to lift my head and stretch my neck. When my posture was appropriate, I found the words to follow.

“I’d like something brown and sweet, please,” I replied.

“Something brown and sweet. Sounds like somebody I just met,” he chuckled.

Oh God. I shuddered.

Something was released from my center. My eyes bucked and my hand immediately cupped my lady parts. Through the fabric of the black pants that Kamber had allowed me to borrow, I could feel moisture and warmth. Both exaggerated beyond familiarity, causing me to wonder exactly what was going on down there.

“You good?” he asked, concern etched across his face.

The study of human behavior, expressions, and logic in my downtime that once seemed pointless because I had no plans of ever leaving my apartment had finally come in handy. The hours and hours of studying felt silly until this very moment. I didn’t feel as lost as I thought I would though uncertainty and discomfort still lingered.

“Uhhhhh, yes. I’m okay,” I assured us both.

The assurance was more for me than him, but I’d never tell. It was an oath that I’d repeat several times throughout my life and the night as a point of validation for self. It was necessary and always needed to get to the next second and the one after that. Affirming myself, constantly, coaxed my nervous system and kept my thoughts from overcoming me.

“I’m Ledge,” he shared, moving about the bar and mixing things up in a glass.

Each time he was required to move further down toward the other end, the crack in my chest grew a little longer. Finally, he’d finished whatever the concoction was and sat it in front of me. I was stupefied. His closeness was as invigorating as it was daunting.

“When someone gives you their name, you’re supposed to give them yours in return, pretty lady,” he leaned forward and whispered as if it was a secret that was meant to be kept between us two.

I hated secrets. I’d kept one for years and it destroyed me. I didn’t want to keep another one, especially one from a stranger. Shorter, quicker breaths followed the ideation.

Calm down. It’s okay. My eyes searched the length of the bar until I found a smiling Kamber. They shifted from Kamber to him and then back to Kamber. She lifted a hand, slowly, and raised her thumb. Her head nodded up and down.

“That’s your people?”

His voice was so close and so alarming. I felt my entire body jerk from its impact.

“Uhhhh, Halo,” I replied, deflecting. I didn’t want to talk about Kamber or her reason for being so close.

“Huh?” He asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“My name… my name is Halo.”

“Figures. Some shit like that fits you.”

“What does that mean?” I wondered aloud, furrowing my brows in the process. That hadn’t been in the studies of behavior, expressions, and logic.

“Shit, really. Your mother was spot on when she named you. It fits you,” he clarified.

“How so?” Surprisingly, I challenged, still not understanding.

“Alecic. Soft-natured. Gentle. Fragile. Mild-mannered. I’d use those words to describe what’s in front of me. Their relation to an actual halo isn’t coincidental. The name suits you.”

“You just met me.”

Though appreciative of the words used to describe me, I didn’t understand how he’d managed to conjure them for a person he’d only encountered a minute or two ago.

“I’ve met enough people in this lifetime to be a good enough judge of character. A nigga doesn’t need too long to figure someone out. That includes you.”

“I highly doubt you’ve figured me out so soon,” I admitted.

“Then stick around until I do,” he suggested.

I said nothing. Instead of responding, I dropped my gaze and stared into the clear glass full of colors and a large cup of ice. Just like I’d seen on my computer screen during my Youtube searches on human behavior, I gripped the black straw between my index finger and thumb before swirling it around.

“Drink up.” He patted the bar as he stepped away.

My heart sank into the size seven shoes that I’d borrowed from Kamber as well. I was usually a six and a half, but the seven fit perfectly. Please don’t go, I wanted to scream but the words stayed lodged in my thoughts as I watched him move on to the next customer.

Drink up. I obliged. The dependency I instantly felt for someone I didn’t know was disheartening. I shook my head from one side to the other as I placed the small straw to my lips and pulled against it. The sweet, flavorful liquid tap danced on my tastebuds, causing me to close my eyes for a brief second.

“It’s our anniversary,” the singer belted over the track that was blasting in the background.

It is. The track was symbolic of the moment, my moment. On this very day, I’d been violated for the very first time by a man that I loved and cherished. This anniversary was the reason I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and get ahold of my life. There was no doubt about it, I was wasting away behind the door of my apartment. The depression was heavy and the burden of my brutal assaults was even heavier.

“Anniversarrrry,” he sang.

For 62 days, I’d prepared myself for this. One foot on the small porch in front of my apartment. A cracked window to let in the fresh air that I never got the chance to enjoy. The opening of my blinds. Grabbing the handle of my door. Locking and unlocking the locks. Standing in the mirror repeating the twenty-six affirmations I’d written to replace the simple phrases that I found myself clinging to daily. I’m okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

I watched, intently, as the man I’d discovered was named Ledge, serviced any and everyone who stepped up to the bar to order a drink. His unchanging expression left me baffled because it wasn’t the same one he wore the few minutes he was in my presence. Hoping I’d shrunk a few inches and was possibly invisible to everyone in the room, I remained focused on him and the drink he’d poured, only to find myself shying away when his eyes landed on me.

His eyes. They were cold and mysterious and wondrous, forcing mine straight ahead to avoid getting lost in them. After so long and so many sips, it was inevitable, facing him.

“Another?” He asked, holding my empty glass in the air.

He smelled like nature wrapped in a bow. The subtle yet intrusive scent that he wore reeked of wood, pines, grass, florals, citrus, and musk. Then there was pineapple, oakmoss, apple, and berries. Together, they made the most sophisticated fragrance.

Maybe being a homebody isn’t so bad,I concluded. The online perfumery course that I’d taken helped me identify the notes of his cologne without much thought or too many whiffs. It came with a kit that contained fifty popular notes and half of them seemed to be plastered on his skin at once. I wasn’t complaining, however.

“Yes, please.”

And another.

And another.

I watchedas Kamber tossed her head backward in laughter as the guy standing in front of her entertained her. So carefree. So effortless. So endearing. The simple act was agonizingly beautiful to me, bringing saltiness to my eyes. My emotions were spilling over and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I want that for me. I think I deserve it.

“Is it that bad,” he asked, handing me the fourth drink.

“It’s worse,” I sighed, completely loosened and unable to hold onto my thoughts any longer. They exited my lips as soon as they came to mind.

The first man that I’d grown fond of stood behind the bar pondering with a hand across his chest and another under his chin. I felt myself unraveling as he moved in my direction. My body shifted forward instead of backward this time when he leaned on the bar and eliminated a great amount of distance between us.

“How can I help?”

“Make me forget about everything in my heart,” I challenged, unsure of who was speaking.

Halo SaraBella?Is that you, baby girl? My heart voiced as my head prepared its response. Yes.

“If the liquor didn’t do it, I have something that will,” he responded with a smirk on his nice, fluffy lips.

“Yeah?” I questioned with squinted eyes, curious to hear what he had in mind.

He leaned in even more and brought a hand to the side of my neck. Slightly shaken, I flinched at the feel of someone, anyone’s, but especially a man’s hand on my skin. My hesitancy didn’t deter him. Instead, he brought me closer to his mouth as the sound of his voice began tickling me between the legs. I could feel my nipples harden through the thin fabric of the shirt that I would’ve never considered hadn’t Kamber forced me into it.

“It involves me taking you to my house, eating your pretty pussy until you beg for me to have mercy on you, then you putting my dick down your wet, slippery throat right before I slide into the mess we both create between your legs,” he articulated.

I swallowed back the overwhelming amount of saliva I’d collected in such a small amount of time. As he pulled away slowly and released me from his grasp, I gazed at the bulge of his throat that signified his manhood.

“Is that what you had in mind, pretty lady?”

“Ummm. I—uh.”

“You’re a big girl, sound it out,” he encouraged as he hovered.

Say it. Say yes. This is what you want. This is what you need. Say it.

“Yes.”

The words rushed from my frame, relieving me at once.

“Good. My bartender called in sick so I’m holding it down tonight. Can you hang out with a nigga for about another hour and a half?”

“Drinks on you?” I breathed out.

“Drinks on me,” he confirmed with a wink.

My head whipped around as he walked off toward the other end of the bar. Kamber was still there being entertained, but her eyes were on me. I nodded and this time, it was my thumb that went into the air. She lifted her arm and tapped the watch on her wrist.

“Work,” she mouthed with sad eyes.

In response, I nodded. I understood. It was alright. Her leaving me didn’t feel like the end of the world anymore. Not the world where Ledge existed, at least. Though I’d just met him, I felt like he’d take good care of me for the night.

Kamber stood and headed in my direction. When she approached me, her arms lifted.

“Can I?” She asked without getting too close.

“Yes.”

Slowly, she hugged my frame. I shrunk within her embrace. It was the first time since I was nineteen that anyone had wrapped me in their arms. My grandmother was the last person on earth I’d felt comfortable enough to share moments of intimacy with. Noticing the slight discomfort, Kamber quickly retracted.

“I have to go. Do you want me to drop you off at home before I head to work?”

“No. I think I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah? Is that what your gut is telling you?”

“Yes and my panties,” I whispered. “I think I need new ones.”

“Someone is on her level, I see. Had a lot of that grown-up juice. I counted. You sure you’re fine?”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

“If you feel a way at any point, please call me. Also, remember that there is no timeframe or limit on consent. Even if you’re already in the act and decide it is not what you want to do, you have the right to say no. You’re in control here. Remember?”

She transformed into a mother bear before my eyes. Having someone to look after me and genuinely care about my well-being again after so many years was a blessing that I didn’t take for granted. Kamber had been my neighbor for years and though we didn’t see each other much, she made sure to check on me often. She was aware of my condition and had made it her business to make sure that I was well every chance she got.

“Yes. I remember.”

“Good. Text or call me every hour you’re awake or I will come searching for you. I already turned your location on.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious, Halo.”

“I knoooooow.”

“And, I’m happy for you. You did it, friend.”

“Please go. You’re already late.”

“I am. I am. See you in the morning,” she said, finally stepping off.

“See you.”

“You goingto come in or stay out here?” Ledge asked as we sat.

I was hardly sure of when we’d arrived or how we’d gotten here. To cope with the motion sickness that I felt after starting the engine of his truck, I sealed my lids. I opened my eyes to find us in the driveway of a beautiful dwelling.

“Oh God,” I breathed, holding my chest as I attempted to stop my heart from falling flat onto the floor rug.

“You good?” He asked for the fifth time tonight. The welfare checks were confirmation that I hadn’t made a foolish mistake by leaving the bar with him. For that, I was thankful.

“Yes. Yes. I’m fine.”

“More water?”

He’d been suggesting a few sips every few minutes since my fourth and last drink. According to him, I needed to sober up a bit. However, he didn’t understand that the sober version of me wasn’t the one that would’ve ended up in his car or at his house. In fact, she’d be curled up in bed snoring. I needed to keep my blood alcohol level up as long as I could because once it came down, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

“No. I’m okay.”

I am. I nodded. I’m okay.

“Aight, then. Let me get you inside.”

Ledge was out of the truck and on the ground in seconds. His long legs cut the journey’s time in half. I imagined he was easily over six feet, towering over my five-foot-four frame. Strangely, though, the difference in height and the thickness of his frame was far from frightening. I found myself wanting to be wrapped in his arms and cuddled through the night, but that was wishful thinking.

Although I’d watched him round the truck, I was still caught by surprise when he opened the door. I wasn’t quite ready to face the cold so soon. Or maybe the realization of what would be happening once I exited had begun to settle in my bones.

“Hey,” he started, softening his voice as he reached up and grabbed the handle hanging from the roof. “You sure you’re good?”

I nodded, slowly, keeping my eyes forward.

“Then, what’s the matter? What’s with the sad face?”

“Just a lot on my mind and my heart. But, that’s what we’re here for,” I reminded him with a half smile.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

The tips of his fingers brushed my skin as he cupped my chin and pulled my face in his direction. My God, he’s beautiful. The sight of him made me ache all over. His hand rested on my cheek, sliding from the top to the bottom. I leaned into his gentle caress. Firsts. There were many of them tonight that he was unaware of and I hoped I wasn’t giving him a clue about them, either. You’re okay, I repeated as I familiarized myself with his palm and fingers and hand.

“But, it is. I want it to be. I need it to be,” I admitted.

“Whatever you want, pretty lady. It’s your world.”

You’re in control. I quickly translated his words. He was suggesting that I was in complete control, not understanding just how much those words meant to me. What this moment meant for me.

“Let’s roll.”

I slid out of the truck as he stood back to give me room. But, just when he started toward the house, he laced his fingers with mine and slowed his pace. Smaller, less swift steps allowed me to keep up. With my eyes on the ground, I followed his lead. Only this once, I soothed the part of me that demanded control of the night.

On quivering legs and a slightly trembling frame, I entered Ledge’s place. The two-story home was breathtaking. It was obvious that time and attention were plentiful when completing the masterpiece. It was far from the bachelor pad I’d read most men had with barely a decent amount of towels in pool the linen closet or sitting room for guests.

“Anything to drink?” He asked me, securing the locks on his door and causing the breath in my throat to hike. “Water? Apple juice? Lemonade?”

“No thanks.”

“This way,” he responded, tilting his head toward the stairs.

Taking me by the hand, he led the journey through the foyer and up the stairs. I felt as if I was in a stop-motion film as we traveled up and toward what I assumed was his bedroom. One second we were at the bottom of the modern set of wooden planks with black guardrails and the next, we were in the middle.

Finally, we reached the top, leaving me baffled and trying to adjust to what felt like a timelapse. It wasn’t though. We’d successfully tapped each step with the soles of our shoes.

Click.

Clack.

Click.

Clack.

My heels collided with the solid, light-washed wood beneath me. The silence of the home was a worship ground for my conscience. I could hear my voice as it began to scream from within. I buried the sound with words that surfaced, praying the others stayed at bay.

“This is a lovely place,” lowly, I spoke.

“Appreciate that.”

That was it. That was all. That was his response. I wasn’t sure why I was expecting him to say more or needing him to say more, but there I was longing for his sultry voice and choice words.

“Right here,” he said, catering to my desires.

He stepped forward, into the room that our stride halted in front of. Again, his head nodded in the direction of our path, signaling his urge for us to move forward. With my eyes on his extended arm, I stepped into the room first.

My heart drummed against my chest as I entered. What I found was what was to be expected. There was more beauty to behold. The black, cream, gold, and hints of brown throughout the space were well coordinated. Everything came together so well.

The large bed that was stationed in the center of the room and pushed up against the wall was the statement piece. It was velvety and black with gold trimming and metal to stabilize the frame. Large pillars made up the thick headboard that looked soft to the touch. Sheets lined the bed to match, black in color and thick as well.

“The bathroom?” I cleared my throat to ask.

“Straight through here.”

Ledge trekked through the enormous bedroom, his long legs reaching his destination much sooner than I ever could’ve without running at full speed. The darkness of the bathroom was immediately illuminated at the flip of a switch. As I approached, he slipped past me and back into the bedroom.

Mindful of just how unnerving the sound of slamming doors was for me, I carefully closed the bathroom door behind me. Once securely inside, I placed my back up against it and dropped my face into the palm of my hands. My shoulder-length hair fell forward, serving as a blanket that wrapped me snugly in its threads.

One thousand and eighty-two emotions ripped through my core, but there was one far more prominent than the others. Thirst. It burned my throat and heated my center like an old, wooden furnace.

Thirst for more. Thirst for better. Thirst for normalcy. Thirst for intimacy. Thirst for sexual healing. Thirst for the best version of myself. It all dictated what was next for me, shoving me to the edge of the sink’s counter with one hand deep into the small clutch I’d borrowed from Kamber.

Wet wipes. The sound of the pouch they were in rumbling upon physical contact was music to my ears. I hurriedly removed them from the purse and pulled back the clear plastic that protected their moisture. The wetness seeped through my skin as I hunched over the sink, slid down my pants, and then my undies.

From front to back, I wiped my flesh carefully. In the seat of my black, seamless panties was a mound of white, sliminess that could only be a result of everything I felt for the man on the other side of the door. A perfect pair of panties had been ruined, but I didn’t think complaining was on my agenda.

Satisfied with my level of cleanliness, I tossed the wipes I’d used and then quickly removed the pants and shoes I was wearing. The underwear was next to go and into my purse they went. I pumped soap from the stone dispenser and scrubbed my hands. The effects of the alcohol I’d consumed were still slowing my movements and delaying my speech, but I felt the best I had in so many years.

When I reentered the bedroom, Ledge disappeared into the bathroom. I used the moment alone to pull out my phone and shoot Kamber a quick text to let her know that I was fine. Barely a second later, she responded.

Ledge is his name. I’m safe and at his home.

He owns the place! The bar. Jilted.

Really? That was news to me.

Are you naked, yet?She asked, with an eggplant emoji that confused me.

Wait.I should be naked? I wondered. Instead of wasting time texting Kamber back, I began getting rid of the threads that my body was wrapped in. As much as I wanted to take a second and slow down, I knew that it wasn’t best. Backing out wasn’t an option for me, so I was willing to go to great lengths to make the night a success.

Just as I picked up my phone to assure Kamber that I was indeed naked, seated on Ledge’s bed, shaking awfully, and waiting for him to return, he appeared. I didn’t bother with the reply, choosing to lay my phone beside me and train my eyes straight ahead. With my shoulders squared and my chin high, I mocked the behavior of what I believed to be normal, confident women, one of those women being Kamber.

“That’s how you feel?” He tittered, rubbing the hair on his chin.

“Ummm hmmm.”

Surprisingly, I maintained eye contact, though I was on the brink of disengagement. Head up. Eyes straight ahead. You’ve got this. I watched, intently, as Ledge placed one foot in front of the other to obliterate the space that divided us. As he did so, I shifted positions on the bed, feeling the effects of the alcohol as they led my movements.

By the time he reached me, my legs were wide, showcasing the very part of me that had been brutalized from the age of six until I was fourteen years old. For the first time, it was my decision and it was my world. I was in control. That made parting my legs much easier, especially for a practically perfect man.

One minute he was standing tall and the next he was on his knees in front of me, pulling my body toward the edge of the bed. Feeling his fingers against my skin, in places that hadn’t been touched since I was fourteen, resulted in sharp, short breaths that were heard in the silence of the room. While they were once forceful and unwelcomed, Ledge’s were contrasting.

“Come ‘er,” he grunted as he placed me exactly where he wanted.

With care, he caressed me. Gentle and carefully, he slid his fingers up my legs, gripped my thighs, and somehow widened the gap between them in the process. I could feel my center creaming and soiling his comforter.

First, it was his thumb that I felt against the hooded nub. Instantly, it swelled, peeking from underneath its cover. Simultaneously, his middle and index fingers circled my entryway, getting a fix of my personal lubrication. And, when I least expected, they both entered me at once, causing me to gasp. My chest inflated as I waited for the pain that I was accustomed to, but there was none. There was only pleasure.

“Relax,” Ledge whispered.

Naturally, my body submitted, although I wanted to remain in control of everything and anything I got myself involved in. He made it so easy to succumb to his authority. And, that gut feeling that I’d been told to follow, made it clear that I wasn’t making a mistake.

My cheeks scooted back and forth on the black comforter, grinding against his fingers and thumb as he painted masterpieces inside of me. Waves crashing against the coast was the only way to describe the feeling that consumed me.

There was no pain.

There weren’t any tears.

And, the silence wasn’t ringing in my ears. Just the sound of comfort, pleasure, and appreciation as I opened my mouth and allowed a moan to escape.

Oh my God, this feels so good.

Just as the thought crossed my mind, his thumb exposed my clitoris to the open air. My sealed eyes opened, staring down in an attempt to figure out what was happening. It wasn’t until I saw him lower his head and extend his tongue that I understood the assignment. This was oral sex, the one thing I’d never experienced.

“Ummmmmmm,” I groaned, leaning back further on his bed as I grabbed the sheets to relieve the mounting pleasure in my lower belly.

Up and down. Around and around.

His tongue drew a road map on my vulva that only he could understand. As he created each landmark, my chest rose and once he moved on to the next, it fell again.

Euphoria.

Heaven.

Jubilation.

Ecstasy.

Bliss.

Pure rhapsody.

Those were just a few words to describe my state. With eyes trying to find their way to the back of my head, I clenched my core. Something was on the horizon. Something big and something consuming. To brace myself for impact, I squeezed my legs together, locking Ledge in place, and grabbed a fist full of fabric. This time, I balled it until it fluffed between my knuckles and separated my fingers.

“Please,” I begged. “Please.”

Release me. I wanted to scream.

“Please.”

It was the only word that would surface. But, apparently, it wasn’t enough to appease the serpent with his head between my legs. Instead of giving me the air that I needed to breathe, he latched onto me and flickered his tongue rapidly. Over and over, sending me off the deep end and closer to wherever it was that he was taking me.

“Please stop!” The words ripped through my core and exited my lips.

Just as they did, everything came to a halt. Ledge’s dark, handsome face rose, slowly, his beard leaking of my juices. It reminded me of the images and videos of lions with blood trickling from their mane after a fresh kill and a decent meal.

“Why… why’d… why’d you…” I stuttered, lifting the top half of my body from the mattress.

“Because you asked me to.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“Then don’t say it. Don’t say shit,” he advised, sternly but with concern etched across his forehead.

I nodded my head, swiftly, up and down to confirm my understanding.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“Show me. Open that pussy back up and show me.”

Obliging, I rested my body back on the bed and spread my legs as far as they would go. When I closed my eyes, I felt his lips on me, again. This time, they remained fixated on my flesh until I saw stars. My body shook violently as I released years of build-up.

“Ahhhhhh. Ummm. Oh God. Oh God. Pleaeeeeeeese.”

Every nerve in my body shattered. Every limb in my body weakened. Every bit of oxygen in my body was depleted, leaving me gasping for more.

“FUCK,” I cried out, producing profanity for the first time in my adult life.

As if the levees had been broken, every ounce of fluid rushed from my vagina. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop the overflow. I tried and tried and tried.

“What is… what is going ooooonnnnn?”

“Your pussy is thanking me. That’s what the fuck is going on,” Ledge snarled as he tapped my center with his hand, bringing more of the waterworks.

“Oooooohhhhhh my God!”

As I began my descent, I felt the weight of Ledge’s body sinking into the mattress on both sides of me. Then there were his lips. With ease, they found mine as if they belonged. His wet beard brushed against my skin. The smell of my flesh startled me just as he lowered his lips onto mine.

Is this how I taste?The bittersweetness was profound and tasty, nonetheless, keeping me engaged in the very first kiss I’d ever shared with a man of my choosing. Hungrily, I devoured him, never wanting to release him. When I did, it wasn’t on my terms. It was his. Heavily, he breathed as he backed away.

“Shit,” he said to me. “I got something for you to eat, but it ain’t my face, pretty lady.”

Astonished by my lack of shame, I pushed out the stream of air that I’d been holding while I tried to have his facial features for a late-night snack. My appetite for him hadn’t been satisfied, not just yet. But when Ledge stood his full-length and shoved his boxers downward, toward his feet, I was met with the next portion of my full-course meal.

At the sight of the entree, I knew that it would fill me to the brim. Fear etched its way into my thoughts with my eyes fixed on the veiny, round-headed, master tool between his legs. What am I supposed to do with all of this?

“Put 'em in your mouth,” Ledge groaned as if it was painful to project. He’d heard my thoughts and answered my question. But, although he had given instructions, I was still unsure of how to carry them out.

Instead of his rod being as straight as an arrow like all the ones I’d seen in training, it featured a curve. A sickening one that I’d only had the pleasure of reading about but never actually seen on a video and certainly not in person. Yet, here he was standing in front of me with what was considered a gem in the bedroom, according to the women who’d experienced them.

Besides the training videos I’d paid good money for, I didn’t have any real experience with handling a man with girth and length. At the sight of Ledge’s massiveness, one thing was made very clear to me. Decency wasn’t the only area that my rapist lacked.

I felt silly as I widened my jaws and pushed my head forward to accommodate him. He was as thick as he was long, making it hard for me to adjust. But, it didn’t stop me from trying. Complete satisfaction was the only thing on my agenda and I’d studied for months to make sure that it was checked off my list.

Discomfort struck me like a bolt of lightning the second his dark skin touched my taste buds. It had absolutely nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. I tried my hardest to remember what was next, but my mind went blank. Ledge sensed my hesitancy and lack of skill. The smile on his face when I looked up at him revealed that he didn’t mind the inexperience a bit.

“Practice makes perfect, pretty lady. Open a little wider so I can teach you how to suck this dick properly.”

He fisted my hair, gently pulling my head back until our eyes locked. My mouth was wide open as he’d requested. He’d sent me to heights I never knew were reachable and I wanted to do the same for him. But, he was right. Practice does make perfect and I hadn’t practiced at all.

“That’s right, baby girl, open up so I can fuck that throat nice and slow.”

As the words fell from his lips, my center creamed and my mouth watered. True to his word, he moved slowly, deeper into my mouth until he couldn’t anymore and then he retracted. Saliva pooled in my jaws, my thirst for his satisfaction driving me to the point of no return.

When I felt confident enough that I could handle the task on my own, I slapped his hand away from my head, used the muscles of my jaws to suck him deeper into my mouth, and then slid backward to watch his shiny pole as it drew back.

“Shit,” he gritted. “That’s it, pretty lady.”

My head and neck were in sync as I tried my hardest to drain him of everything inside of his sack. Slob dripped from my mouth, onto his lengthiness, and onto my chest each time I pulled him out to catch my breath. My level of focus was unmatched as I licked and sucked and continued to spit on the yummy, chocolate skin until I felt resistance. Confusion plagued me.

“You gone make this mauh’fucker cum,” Ledge alerted me, simultaneously stepping back and pulling his… Say dick, Halo. Just say it. My thoughts rang out.

“Stand up.”

Instantly, I was off the bed and standing in front of him. Without warning, he lifted me up and into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist, instinctively, as my lips lowered onto his. Feeling a bit of control in my favor, I stuck my tongue down his throat. I could still taste myself on his personals.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, I felt the head of his dick poking around my hole, trying to find the entry path. Very swiftly, he discovered it and before I was able to brace myself for intrusion, he’d hit rock bottom, sending me into a world far beyond my imagination.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat is haaaaapening?” I exclaimed, tightening my grip on his shoulders and burying my head underneath his left ear.

“Dick, pretty lady, that’s what’s happening.”

Ledge was as quiet as he was cocky and he had every right to be. He’d been blessed in every department. God spared no material when creating him, especially not when it came to the third leg he was toting around as if it was normal. Wait. Is it?

With ease, he lifted me up and down his shaft. I waited and waited and waited for the pain to surface. It never did. And, once I realized I was giving the past way too much opportunity to ruin the present, I shut down my thoughts and allowed my feelings to lead the way.

“Ledge,” I cried out, feeling the pressure mounting.

“This shit gripping,” he grunted. “Fuck.”

My vagina was as wet as my mouth while he was inside of it. It was slippery beyond my control. My cream soiled my thighs and trickled down my butt crack. Finding it extremely hard to hold onto my sanity, I closed my eyes and allowed the crashing waves to overcome me. Just before the stars aligned behind my lids, it all ended.

“Ledge, please.”

“Please what?” He asked, making strides toward the other side of the bed.

“Please,” I repeated, feeling helpless and hopeless as I chased the same ending I’d had with his head between my legs.

“Say it,” he encouraged while laying me down on the clean, dry portion of the bed.

“Put it back in. Please,” lowly, I rephrased.

“I can’t hear you. What do you want me to do?” He asked, frustrating me.

“Ledge, please.”

“Open your fucking mouth and say what you want me to do!” He fussed, hovering over me with his lips so close to mine that I could feel the air that he pushed out with them.

“Fuck me!” I shouted. “Fuck me!”

Without uttering a single word, Ledge reentered me with so much passion that it rattled my heart and my head, simultaneously. I wasn’t sure what love felt like but I was almost sure that it was exactly what had struck me as my eyes blossomed and gazed into his. There was so much adoration and admiration within them. The contortion of his features as a result of our divine connection wasn’t even enough to conceal the depth his orbs possessed.

I gushed from below as I pulled his body closer to mine. Letting go wasn’t an option, not now, anyway. I clung to him as if he was the last human left on earth and could vanish at any moment. He dug my insides out with little mercy on me. I thoroughly enjoyed each and every thrust of his performance.

He touched my soul, serenaded my body, and sewed the fragments of my heart together. Halo. I cried. Hot tears burned my eyes. This is your moment. It was and the man that had made it possible seemed to understand it, too.

“Let that shit go,” he breathed into my ear.

His permission to dissolve the trauma of my past and take full control of my future couldn’t have come at a better time. The double entendre, as it related to the orgasm that was on the rise and my history, was taken to heart.

“It’s haaaapennnnning.”

“Let it go,” he growled. “Fuck. I’m cumming.”

Everything around me blackened.

Darkness was all around me.It covered every inch and every corner, blinding me. But, even with obstructed vision, the unfamiliarity of the space around me was apparent. Where am I? My breath hiked in my chest as my throat swelled. Where am I? The question arose again.

Light snores in my left ear assured me that I wasn’t alone and was in fact laying beside someone. What is going on? I pondered as my head began to throb. Afraid to shift and relieve myself of the discomfort of my position, I remained still and tried my best to relax my limbs. Being that I was unsure of where I was, what was going on, or what was next, relaxing any parts of my body was almost impossible.

Brown.The first memory of the night flooded me.

Jilted.The second came soon after.

Ledge!His face appeared in my head.

We… we had sex. A lot of sex.

Suddenly, the muscles of my vagina contracted. I could feel him between my walls, again. Oh my God. It felt celestial. However, it was nothing in comparison to the anxiety that grabbed my neck and squeezed it tightly.

I couldn’t breathe.

The fear of suffocating forced me to my feet and toward the bathroom that I’d been shown hours earlier. It wasn’t until I was inside with my back against the door that a bit of relief found me.

I’m at his home?The question quickly shoved the pinch of relief down my throat, choking me. I attempted to balance myself on weakened knees, barely managing the short distance to the sink. I twisted the right handle and water fell from the hole immediately. Parched, I lowered the top half of my body and placed my mouth underneath it.

My hair, my sweaty but still gorgeous hair, was instantly drenched in some spots but remained dry in others. Gulp after gulp, I didn’t stop drinking until my belly felt full and my temperature lowered. However, when I turned the handle toward the back and the stream of water ended, my neck began to close again.

Hurriedly, I rushed toward the end of the bathroom and scooted my frame between the toilet bowl and wall, then began focusing on my breathing. It felt as if I was drying, rotting, and dying all at once.

Breathe. I told myself.

Breathe, Halo.

Breath…

The lack of silence interrupted my thoughts. Footsteps.

The sound was so familiar. Fear nearly swallowed me whole as I looked from one side to the other with big, cowering eyes.

In a tight knot, I curled, as the sound of large feet echoed on the floor. He’s coming. It registered in my head as my eyes closed and I began counting.

“One. Two. Three. Four,” I whispered.

Eight.That’s how far I was about to get before the familiar sound of footsteps halted. Shivering as I sat on the cold, lonely floor, I stared at the door with my head tucked between my hands. Run. Hide. Scream. The commands appeared at once, but I was unable to follow either of them. Instead, I remained on the floor, body quivering and throat clogged.

Urrrrrrrrrn.The door crept open.

It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.I repeated in my head, over and over nonstop until…

“Halo?” Ledge’s voice sounded, reeling me in and bringing me back to my reality. Our reality.

I said nothing. My eyes were fixated on the floor as my body burned all over. Suddenly, I wasn’t cold anymore. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The coolness of the floor didn’t register. I felt like I was on fire.

“You good?” He asked, rushing to my side. “You okay?”

I’ll never be okay, I cried inside. Never.

“What’s the matter?”

Say something, Halo.

Anything.

This doesn’t look so good.

Explain.

“Can you take me home?” I asked instead.

“Right now? It’s like four in the morning. You want to come back to bed and I take you when the sun rises?” He squatted down, establishing a less scary height difference. With us leveled, I felt much better about his presence.

“I… I uh,” I stuttered as the tears broke through the air.

Why is this happening to me?My heart broke as I came to terms with the fact that maybe I was as weird as others thought I was and maybe a normal life just wasn’t in my deck of cards.

“Hey. Hey. I can take you home. Just tell me what’s with the tears?”

The back of his calloused hands graced my cheek. Ever so gentle, he was as he swiped my tears away. To his dismay, more fell and wouldn’t stop.

He was winsome inside and out. That fact, I didn’t deny. To be honest, I didn’t even think I was worthy of being in his space. Instead of freaking out as I melted away on his bathroom floor, concern plagued him.

I wish I could tell you. But… you’re a stranger.I concluded before conjuring a few words. I at least owed him that much, I believed.

“I’m having a really hard time, right now,” I admitted and it was the honest to God’s truth. But, unfortunately, the hardships didn’t stop. Like, ever.

“Let me get you home. You putting your shit back on or do you want to borrow something of mine?”

“Can I have a shirt?”

“You want some sweats and a hoodie, too? It’s cold outside, pretty lady.”

How could he still think that?I swallowed back the words and nodded.

“Come on, let me get you dressed and home safely.”

Ledge stood up straight and started toward the door. When he realized I wasn’t following him, he retraced his steps until he reached me and then extended his hand. Hesitantly, I took it. He pulled me from the floor with ease and we both exited the bathroom together.

Once back in the comfort of his room, I wished I could stick around longer. However, I understood that things from this point on, for me, would only get worse. Home was my best option and that’s where Ledge prepared to take me.

Dressed in his big hoodie,t-shirt, and sweats, I clung to the passenger door, putting as much distance between us as possible. It wasn’t intentional, but it felt so much better, so much safer this way.

“Right here,” I said to him, finally finding my voice after an entire thirty-minute ride to my place.

My address, I’d punched into the navigation of the enormous Cadillac truck as soon as I was settled in the passenger seat. It had led us all the way to my building. I pushed the door open, forcefully, and bolted. But, just before I stuck my key into the lock, I felt familiar hands on my waist, pulling me backward and spinning me around. Once my body stopped, I was face to face with an angel on earth.

“Come ‘er,” he said, his deep voice warming my heart. “You just going to leave without saying goodbye?”

“Goodbye, Ledge,” I responded.

I could hear the sadness in my tone. The sag of my shoulders supported my case. I wished I was strong enough, normal enough, to spend the rest of my night with him and wake up to his handsome face. But, it was just too much.

“You got a phone so I know you got a number a nigga can hold on to reach you later.”

As he spoke, he pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tightly. Please don’t let go. I wanted to beg, but I knew that I didn’t have the bandwidth to withstand what would happen if I did. In the little time I’d known Ledge, I’d learned a lot about the person he was and if I didn’t want him to let go, he wouldn’t.

When he let go, my heart ached. He patted his pockets, only to realize he’d left his phone behind. Though he was peeved, I was a bit rejoiceful. Silently, I was already preparing to tell one of the few lies I’d ever tell in my life. His phone not being in attendance only saved me a guilty conscience later.

“I’ll remember it. Just give it to me.”

“Or, I could just have yours,” I suggested without the intention of using it. My phone was already in my hand. It unlocked when my face was close enough.

“That’s a bet. 555-702-1220.”

I tapped each number he called out and saved his contact under his name. Once that was settled, I stuck my key in my door, finally. When I turned, Ledge’s tilted head and sad eyes almost made me invite him in. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t.

“Goodbye, Ledge,” I said, again, stepping into my apartment.

“See you later, Halo. It’s never goodbye.”

But, it is. For me. I’m different. I’m not like the others. You’ll never, ever see me again. I know because I’ll never come out of my home again.I wanted to scream, but kept my thoughts to myself.

He stepped off the small porch and back onto the pavement. I watched closely as he rounded his truck and took one final look in my direction. Satisfied, I closed the door behind me and locked both locks. A large, heavy breath escaped me as I slammed my back against the door and my face began to contort to my emotions.

Pain.

Relief.

Frustration.

Worry.

Defeat.

Victory.

It all hit me at one, like a blow to the chest.

I did it. I did it.

My eyes burned as my cheeks rose. I’d conquered one fear, slaying one of the demons riding my back day and night. But, there appeared to be a hundred more that needed to be tamed and I wasn’t up for the task. While my body belonged to me for the first time in my life, complete ownership of my person simply wasn’t enough to cure me of all the mental and emotional illnesses that haunted me.

I’m doomed. I cringed. With blurred vision, I stomped through my apartment until I reached my bedroom. Though I knew that I needed a shower, I wasn’t ready to wash the evidence of such a glorious night off my skin. And neither was I ready to shed the clothing he’d shared with me.

I climbed into my bed and pulled the covers on top of me. Ledge’s hood went over my damp hair and the neckline rose to my nose. Deeply, I inhaled until my lungs were filled to capacity. Before exhaling, I savored the remnants of his fragrance that were sprinkled on the hoodie. As I released the long, slow trail of oxygen, I closed my eyes and allowed the pain of my existence to fall from my eyes.

I’m never leaving again.