Learn to Love You by Jade Hernández
her day purely out of selfish reasons. I hadn’t meant to. We’d said our adioses, she’d gone inside, and I had my foot poised over the gas pedal, ready to peel out of her neighborhood. But something stopped me. A number of confounding reasons prevented me from pressing down and going back to the rancho and all the responsibilities that awaited me there.
In all the time I’d known Mayda, I hadn’t looked too closely at her place. I knew she came from a humble household, but I hadn’t remembered it looking this shabby before. The walls and windows had never looked so splintered, the paint so chipped, the neighborhood so dreary. And the closer we got to her place, the more I noticed Mayda retreating into herself, avoiding conversation, sinking into her seat.
I couldn’t recall ever seeing her look so sad.
It pushed me back to our earlier conversation about my life and the privilege I’d known. Oblivious to the turmoil of others while I’ve been locked inside my own version of a palace. Just the thought that I had no real pinche idea what it was like for others kept me rooted where I was.
I didn’t even have any real idea what it was like for Mayda.
Perhaps that was why I wanted to stay. For Mayda. To know her. I wanted to spend time with her while simultaneously staying away from my papá for a few hours as well.
Like I said, purely selfish.
And then there was that kiss.
I’d kissed Mayda on the cheek thousands of times before whenever we said hola or adiós. But never like that. It was always quick, just a fast press of our faces together. Her lips had certainly never touched my cheek like that, and mine had certainly never lingered in places they shouldn’t, so close that I could smell and nearly taste the mint of her toothpaste on the corner of her mouth.
It had just felt right.
And that scared the shit out of me. Because for a brief fucking second, she had felt like a dream come true grasped within the palms of my hands. And like smoke, that dream vanished. I was left reminding myself she wasn’t mine, this aloof, mysterious woman that I truly didn’t know.
We were both quiet as I drove towards the elementary school. We lived in a small town with a small population where everyone knew everyone. We went to that school when we were kids, and it felt strange parking in the lot. Even stranger to see it nearly empty.
“Only a few of us are coming in today,” Mayda supplied as she unbuckled and went to open the back door for the boxes. I followed closely behind, reaching to grab the heaviest one. I’d take both of them, but I knew she wouldn’t allow that. Stubborn woman. “A few of the teachers are still on vacation.”
“Does Mrs. Roberts still work here?” I asked.
A small smile touched her lips as her hip connected with the truck door, slamming it closed. “She does.”
“Damn. That woman was evil.”
Her laugh trickled from her throat, mesmerizing me on the spot. “You were so loud in her class. I remember.”
“It was so boring. She called my parents in so many times. My mamá took the belt to my backside more than once because of the shit I pulled.” It stung back then and had me howling like an animal, but I knew I deserved it. Especially because I set the class pet loose in her drawer. Hearing her scream and fall back in her chair when she opened it to find a gerbil gnawing at her pencils was hilarious.
“You never pulled a stunt like the gerbil again, though,” Mayda said like she was reading my mind.
“My papá threatened to ship me off to military school. I believed him, so I stopped with my shenanigans.”
I remembered being so pissed at my papá. Sometimes, if I thought about all those situations—and everything he’d ever threatened me with—I felt nauseous. Being his only son meant he was stricter with me than he was with any of my other siblings. The legacy of our family fell solely on my shoulders, and I was meant to carry it out with dignity and hard work.
He’d told me to get my shit together, so I did, even at a young age.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I got quiet as Mayda led me towards the entrance of the school. The scent of the place brought back so many memories of when we came here. Muscle memory guided me straight past the principal’s office and into the counselor’s office. She procured a key from her pocket and opened the door.
The office was smaller than I remembered. It was funny how looking at things through the lens of a child could make the world seem so vast but looking at the same things as an adult gave you a different perspective entirely. The room itself was stripped naked to nothing but the bare bones of a desk, a computer, and a chair.
“What happened to the previous counselor?” I placed the box on the desk next to the other one she’d set down.
“She retired, finally,” Mayda replied, digging into a box to start pulling out her personal items. As she set them out along the desk, I realized she’d brought everything from motivational posters about honesty, emotions, friendship, and perseverance.
Seeing them filled me with a strange pang of longing, especially when she pulled out a poster of an adult hugging a child, the words ‘It’s okay to ask for help’ spread out in big lettering.
Right then, I wished I’d had a teacher like Mayda growing up. Someone who cared enough to say those words to me. If I’d been encouraged from a young age, maybe it would have given me the courage to confess to my papá the truth about what I wanted with my life. Maybe then I wouldn’t need to hide the fact that I was secretly taking online college courses.
With the rancho forced to be my main focus, college just wasn’t in the cards for me. Eventually, I’d started getting antsy, and the drowning feeling of worthlessness had been powerful enough to push me into action. Like I was meant for more. I enrolled in online courses in secret for years. I obtained my major in child development. Like Mayda, I could apply for a job as a counselor or child psychologist if I wanted to, but the real desire was pushing myself further. So I decided to take more classes, hoping that it’d spark more than just desire in me. I was hoping for the courage to finally get out there and do something with my degree that could actually be helpful.
Yet I was stagnant. My throat wanted to tighten at the thought, but I managed to stave off those emotions, opting instead to watch Mayda.
She moved with purpose, like she’d had everything mapped out beforehand and knew where she wanted her stuff to go. “She was getting on in years. Unfortunately for her, but luckily for me.” She made a soft noise of disapproval. “No offense, but the woman was not counselor material.”
“Oh, I believe you.” I nodded, a smile twisting the edges of my mouth.
Her eyes shot up in my direction. “Are you laughing at me, Junior?”
“Jamás,” I replied. “I would never think to laugh at you, cariño.”
The moniker slipped from my lips without meaning to. As soon as it did, I was gifted with the sight of her cheeks reddening, the flush crawling up her neck. It was hard to break through her tough armor. Like she’d wrapped herself entirely in layered walls of steel with barbed wire and broken glass at the top.
To see how a mere slip of the tongue had her biting on her lips and turning away from me made my smile grow broader. If I’d known that calling her honey would have brought this reaction out of her, I would have called her it a lot sooner.
“Well, I won’t get anything done if I just stand here.” She laughed awkwardly and whirled from me. I watched with a smile as she started getting to work. Her movements were brisk, fast, and efficient, and when I caught a glimpse of her face again, she was in perfect concentration mode.
As if I hadn’t spoken to her at all or flustered her in the slightest.
Well, fuck.
I wanted to be insulted that she could so easily write me off, but I was used to the sharp sting of her rejection. I was just a blip in the road to her.
Standing to the side had me feeling more than a little useless as she quickly and efficiently began stapling the posters to the walls.
“What do you want me to do?”
She stopped mid-staple and turned, finally acknowledging that I was there to help. “Maybe you could organize the files in the drawers alphabetically? We have the names of every student on file. When school starts, I want to have a session with each one to get to know them and write down observations.”
I opened the drawer and whistled. “That’s a lot of students.”
She threw me a sheepish smile. “I know, but I don’t believe anyone should ever be left out.” Her voice took on a sad, almost wistful tone that made me stop and stare at her.
When she spoke about her job and the kids, she did it with such caring cadence that it was hard not to be lulled into feeling the same. I wondered why she felt so strongly about it. Was it because of her own home life? Had it been bad that she now felt the need to save other children?
Seeing this side of her was like pulling away part of a layer, and I was fascinated with every second of it. I wanted to know more about her on a level that not everyone knew. She was like an obsession; she always had been. Because she was so calm, so cool I just wanted more every time I was with her.
“I think the kids will be lucky to have you,” I said sincerely.
She seemed almost startled that I’d say that but then smiled in a grateful way that made me want to swipe my thumb against her bottom lip. Every day this curiosity and desire burned hotter inside of me. I was like a thief, trying to steal little bits and pieces of her. Any pieces I could get. Any pieces she could give me.
Like her time. Like a kiss near the edge of her mouth.
I wanted so much more.
Whatever else she was willing to give.
We finished within a few hours until everything was meticulously placed. I’d texted my father thirty minutes into our work to let him know I would be longer because Mayda needed my help. It wasn’t exactly a lie, and maybe I was a coward for using her name to shield me from his anger, but it worked. At least momentarily. I would probably get shit for ditching work when I got home, but it was worth it.
By the time we finished in her office, locking it up again and getting back inside my truck, it was nearing lunch time. We drove in silence back to her place, the radio on low. My fingers flexed and my stomach fluttered with nerves as I worked up the courage to ask her out to eat.
I wanted more time with her. Time I probably didn’t deserve and shouldn’t steal, but I wanted regardless.
“Thanks for helping out today,” she whispered shyly.
“Anytime, Mayda. You ever need someone to help you, count on me.”
“Mhm…”
She didn’t sound like she believed me.
“En serio,” I urged. She didn’t say anything, and just when I was about to open my mouth and ask her to join me for lunch, we arrived at her house. As soon as the truck was parked, she was quick to unbuckle and slip out. I followed, intent on carrying the empty boxes inside and asking her to have lunch with me. She seemed more relaxed now than she had been hours ago when I came to drop her off at her house that first time. She was even humming as she opened the door and let me inside.
Following after her, I was surprised when she suddenly stopped, and I almost rammed into her back. My feet skidded against her floor, nearly dropping the boxes and startling when she let out a curse.
“Shit!”
I peeked over her shoulder to see what she was looking at.
There, in her living room, lying on the couch, was her mother.
I’d seen Luciana Jiménez many times in my childhood, so I knew this was her. There was a vague familiarity between her and Mayda, but there was something off about the woman I used to know as her mother. She looked… she looked sickly. Her skin clung to a skeletal frame, and her hair looked dry and stringy. Her eyes looked too big for her thin face, and shadows rimmed them, her cheeks were hollow and her lips were cracked and bleeding. She lay half-on, half-off of the couch, and there was white, bubbly saliva on the corners of her mouth.
“Shit, shit, shit.” Mayda ran towards the couch and loomed over her mom, grabbing her arms in a tight grip. I stood frozen, watching, and it was like she’d forgotten I existed as her gaze swept over her mother’s skin.
Even from where I stood, I could make out the welts all across her arms.
It made my whole body freeze and tense up.
“Mom!” Mayda lightly slapped her hand across her mother’s face in rapid succession. “Mom! Can you hear me?”
Her mother stirred, batting her away. “Mayda… s’at you?” Her eyes peeked open. “Thought you were at Briela’sss…”
Mayda’s whole demeanor changed in an instant. Her voice came out in quiet, hissing fury. “Mom, what the hell did you take this time?”
Her mother giggled and shoved her away weakly. “I’m the mother, not you. Fuck off.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end at the way she was speaking to her daughter. What the hell?
I put the boxes down by the door and stepped deeper into the room. It seemed to catch her mother’s attention, because she turned to me and giggled. “Finally tapping that? ‘Bout time, May…da…”
Her words had Mayda’s attention snapping straight to me like she was just now remembering I was there. Her face flushed and emotions flashed across her expression, one after the other. For once, her whole façade had ripped away, the steel walls finally melting and the real her was glaringly obvious beneath the quiet.
I got the full onslaught of a big secret. Pain, embarrassment, shock. It all rippled through the space that separated us and hit me like an oncoming tractor.
I’d wanted emotions. I’d wanted to steal them.
Just not like this.
I had the urge to go forward and help, but Mayda was already storming in my direction, shoving me back by the shoulders. I stumbled by the vehemence in the gesture and the wildness in her eyes.
“You need to leave,” she demanded.
“Mayda, I can help.”
“No, Junior,” she said fiercely. “You can’t.”
She shoved me over the threshold and, without another word, slammed the door in my face. I stood there, baffled for a brief moment, staring at the chipping, cracked paint on the door of her house.
Suddenly, everything about her made so much more sense. About why she never spoke of her mom, her house, her closed-off personality…
Her mom was a damn junkie.
My fists tightened at my sides. I wanted to slam them through the threshold, force my way inside and offer my help whether she wanted it or not. But I knew that if I did that, she would never forgive me. This was a personal matter, one she wanted me far away from.
So, with one last lingering look at her door, I walked back to my truck and drove away. My hands tightened on the wheel, my heart thundered in my chest, stomach rolling painfully as I finally understood why Mayda seemed to have so many secrets.