A Change of Heart for the Cornish Midwife by Jo Bartlett
6
‘Oh you’re a star, Ella. Whatever you’ve got in that box smells delicious.’ Jess opened the front door with a smile. ‘Come on in, Nicole’s just got here and Dexter has taken Riley to his gymnastics class, so we’re all ready for Jemima to arrive.’
‘How’s Nicole doing?’ Ella had only seen her once since baby Gracie’s funeral, but she knew from what Jess and Izzy had told her that she was coping remarkably well. Noah had come into some money and had chosen to give almost all of it away, including enough for Nicole and James to try another round of IVF. Despite Noah’s generosity, it must have been a terrifying prospect for them both after losing their beloved daughter.
‘She’s doing pretty well. She’s just ahead of me this time around and she’s waiting to see how many embryos she’s got. She’s expecting the call today. I don’t think I’ll be able to leave the house until I know how many eggs have made it. I feel sick thinking about it. Given that I only had seven to start with, I’m scared to death that I might not have any that are viable.’
‘Oh Jess, if anyone deserves to have this work for them, it’s you.’ Ella hugged her friend. She’d witnessed Jess go through hell and back, when her husband had an affair and fathered a baby with another woman, not long after Jess had discovered she’d never conceive naturally. Jess had even fostered the baby for a while, before he was placed for adoption, and the grief had pushed her to the edge. When Jess had got together with Dexter, she’d become stepmother to his son Riley and it had been wonderful to see her so happy again. It had taken Jess quite a long time to decide whether to foster again, or adopt, or even to go down the IVF route. In the end, she’d decided to start the journey with no guarantee of reaching the destination. All Ella and the rest of Jess’s friends could do was be there for her whatever happened.
‘I think if anyone deserves it to work, it’s Nicole.’ Jess bit her lip as she pulled away from Ella. ‘I’ve already got Riley. But I’m really hoping we’re both going to beat the odds and go through this together.’
‘Are you two out here eating all the goodies?’ Nicole suddenly appeared in the doorway, smiling and looking like a different woman to the last time Ella had seen her. ‘Sorry, the smell of those pastries was drifting all the way to the sitting room and I just couldn’t seem to stop myself coming out here.’
Jess shook her head. ‘We were on our way, I promise. Tempting as it is, I didn’t even grab one of Jago’s masterpieces to eat en route!’
‘I’m not sure I’d have had your restraint. The IVF meds always seem to make me so hungry and—’ Nicole was cut off mid-flow by the sound of the doorbell.
‘Sorry, that’ll be Jemima.’ Jess turned back towards the door and Ella hoped that the fact Jemima had already met Jess would make it all a bit less overwhelming for her. The warmth of Jess’s greeting as she opened the door would never have hinted at how nervous she was feeling, while she waited to hear how many eggs were viable. ‘Hi Jemima. Come on in, you’re just in time to see me and Nicole wrestle Ella to the ground for the box of pastries from Mehenick’s. Being starving’s a side effect of the IVF meds, but to be honest it’s just an excuse for me; I’ve never been able to resist Jago’s baking.’
‘Thanks so much for inviting me over. It sounds like I’m just in time.’
‘Hey Jem, it’s great to see you.’ Ella squeezed her friend’s hand, knowing how hard it was for her to be there, especially as she wasn’t even sure she wanted to have a baby. ‘This is Nicole.’
‘I’ve heard so much about you.’ Jemima shook Nicole’s hand. ‘I’m so grateful you agreed to meet me.’
‘It’s a pleasure and it’s great to meet you too.’
‘Right, shall we head through to the front room and finally get stuck into these pastries?’ Jess raised her eyebrows. ‘Otherwise, I really am going to rip through the side of the box with my teeth.’
Half an hour later, they’d made a serious inroad into the box of treats Jago had put together, and Jess and Nicole had given Jemima an honest overview of their experiences of IVF. The physical side of the treatment sounded hard, but it was the emotional toll that was clearly the really difficult bit. There were so many stages where it could go wrong, from the risk of hyperstimulation or too few eggs at collection, to embryos that weren’t viable for transfer and, even when they were, a dreaded two-week wait that could break your heart all over again. Nicole had also explained the difference between the options that she and Jess had chosen for the transfer of their embryos. Nicole’s consultant had recommended she only have day-five matured eggs transferred, to minimise the risk of failed implantation. But as this was Jess’s first round of IVF, she was going for the more standard day-three transfer. Like any pregnancy, a positive result still wasn’t a guarantee of anything, which Nicole knew only too well. Outlining the process was enough to scare anyone off and yet the desire for a baby made thousands of women and their partners brave enough to start the journey every year. But it still wasn’t clear whether Jemima would be one of them.
‘Thank you both so much for being honest about what we’d be signing up for. Leo’s so caught up in wanting a baby and I don’t think he’s thinking about the bigger picture.’
‘Don’t let us put you off, if this is what you want. Losing Gracie nearly killed me, but I’m still doing it all over again, because having a baby is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about every night, not to mention hundreds of times in between. Despite everything that’s happened, for me, just having that chance is still worth it.’ Tears filled Nicole’s eyes, but there was a look of such determination on her face that Ella couldn’t bet against her friend fulfilling her dream. Nicole didn’t seem able to contemplate any other ending at all.
‘It’s not that.’ Jemima frowned, running a hand through her hair and letting go of a long sigh. ‘I know IVF is incredibly tough, but what worries me most is what happens when we’ve got the baby. Before Leo had his accident, we were ready to start trying; I was even taking folic acid in preparation and we both wanted it more than anything.’
‘And now you’re not so sure?’ Jess’s tone was gentle, and Ella could have hugged her again. Jemima had already confided some of this to her, but Jess was making it so much easier for Jemima to share her concerns with the others too.
‘When he was first in hospital, it was the last thing on my mind, but when they told us he’d never walk again and that he’d be permanently paralysed from the chest down, I just didn’t think about it being an option any more. But then Leo started talking about it almost from the beginning of his rehab. We knew it wouldn’t be straightforward, because there’s no way of getting pregnant naturally and it’s not even as easy as extracting the sperm. The consultant explained that the damage to the spinal cord would almost certainly have affected the quality of Leo’s sperm too, which turned out to be true. But with all that he still wants us to try, and the consultant seemed hopeful that IVF with ICSI would give us a good shot. But I just don’t know if I can cope with having a baby with Leo the way he is after his accident. I’m a horrible person, but I just never imagined having a baby with someone who can’t be fully hands on. God, I’m the world’s worst wife, aren’t I?’
‘Of course you aren’t; you’re not a horrible person in any way. Just an honest one.’ Nicole’s eyes had filled with tears again. ‘Your life has been torn apart and none of this is what you expected. I understand how you feel.’
‘I promised in sickness and in health.’ Jemima let out a long breath. ‘This is the one thing Leo wants more than anything and he’s already had so much taken away from him, but I can’t even commit to trying to give him the one thing he could still have. If he finds out, he’s going to think I don’t love him enough and that’s not true.’
‘If it helps, I think I’d feel the same in your position.’ Ella swallowed hard. It was difficult to say the words out loud but listening to Jemima she understood completely and she couldn’t let her friend feel guilty about a reaction so many people might have had if they were honest with themselves. ‘I love Dan and I’m as certain as I can be that nothing can change that, but I thought about it a lot when we were on holiday with you and Leo. I saw how much you have to take on and how important it is to you to make sure that Leo’s needs come first. If you think you’re a terrible person, you couldn’t be more wrong, because every day I saw you being completely selfless. If I had to guess what it is that’s worrying you most about this, I’d say it’s a fear that sometimes you might have to start putting Leo second and you can’t imagine yourself doing that, especially when there must already be days when you feel there’s almost nothing left for you.’
Jemima was openly crying now, but the haunted look had left her face. ‘You’re right, some days it takes all I’ve got to make sure I’m doing the best for Leo, and I just can’t imagine how we’d fit a baby into that, without me losing the tiny snatches of time I get just to breathe. It’s such early days for us and he’s still going to rehab, so I’m hoping that the more we adapt, the easier things might get and that a baby-shaped space might emerge somewhere in all of that. But I really don’t think it’s the right time yet.’
‘Have you spoken to Leo about all of this?’ Jess took the words out of Ella’s mouth.
‘I can’t, because he knew how much I wanted a baby before the accident, and I’m worried he’ll think it’s somehow his fault. When he was first given the news about his paralysis, he did his absolute best to push me away. Telling me to find someone else. I kept insisting every day that nothing had changed for me, but it was only when he started rehab and began to see some hope, that he finally began to accept that I still wanted to be with him. I don’t want to do or say anything that might make him doubt that.’
‘I can’t imagine how hard that is.’ Ella crossed the room, so she could kneel in front of Jemima. ‘But maybe there are ways around this without making Leo think it’s all down to him, so he doesn’t push you away again.’
‘I thought about telling him I’d changed my mind about having a baby, but I don’t think he’ll believe me. He knows it meant everything to me before the accident.’ There was such sadness in her friend’s eyes that something inside Ella’s chest felt like it was twisting. Jemima was scared to chase her biggest dream because she had no idea how it would affect her and Leo if she did. She loved him too much to risk not being able to care for him the way she had for the past year or so and, as beautiful as that was, it would break his heart to know it.
‘But he might be able to accept that it’ll be best for you all to wait a bit longer.’ Ella watched a series of expressions cross her friend’s face, as she waited for her to reply.
‘He’ll just think that’s his fault too. We were ready to try for a baby and we were making all the right preparations.’
‘So that’s what you tell him again.’ Ella held Jemima’s gaze. ‘You tell Leo that talking to Nicole and Jess has made you realise that what you need to do to give you the best chance of the IVF working is to be as ready as possible. You need to get as fit and healthy as you can. I don’t know, maybe you tell him you need to take certain vitamins or change your diet for the next twelve months. Or that taking up Pilates will give you the best chance of a successful pregnancy and an easier delivery. Leo will want the best for you, just like you want the best for him. He’ll do whatever it takes to make the IVF as easy for you as possible. That will give you another year of rehab and another year for you both to come to terms with the consequences of the accident. It might even give you more of a chance to talk about things, without Leo trying to carry on with your plans as if the accident never happened.’
‘You’re a genius.’ Jemima threw her hands in the air. ‘It’s perfect and it’s not even a lie. Spending some time getting as fit and healthy as possible really would give us the best shot, but I suddenly feel like I can breathe again. This morning, Leo was contacting clinics we could visit once I’d spoken to Jess and Nicole, so we don’t have to wait for NHS treatment. I was dreading going home and trying to stop something that I felt I had no way of slowing down.’
‘Whatever you decide, taking some time out to get back on track will help you both. After we lost Gracie, I wanted to start IVF again straight away to try and somehow fill the gap, but I’m really glad now that we waited six months so we both had a chance to recover physically. I barely ate when we lost her, and the wait allowed me to get some strength back. I’d really recommend—’ For the second time that evening, Nicole was interrupted mid-sentence, as her phone started to ring. ‘It’s the clinic.’
‘Answer it!’ Jess widened her eyes. ‘If you want some privacy, we can wait in the kitchen.’
‘I don’t want to be on my own.’ Nicole took a deep breath and Ella was sure she wasn’t the only other person holding hers. ‘Hello. Yes, this is Nicole Stroud.’
They could have heard a pin drop while they waited for Nicole to speak again.
‘Uh huh. So that’s definite?’ The person on the other end of the line would never have been able to tell from the tone of Nicole’s voice, but tears were streaming down her face. ‘If that’s what you recommend. Okay, I’ll see you then.’
As Nicole ended the call, she seemed almost frozen. Ella still couldn’t breathe out and it was Jess who spoke first in the end.
‘Are you okay, Nic? What did they say?’
‘I’ve got five blastocysts.’ Nicole was shaking her head. ‘They’ve recommended transferring one and freezing the other four, because with my history they don’t want to risk a multiple pregnancy. She said it was an amazing result, especially as when we had Gracie, she was the only viable egg. I’m going to need someone to pinch me hard in a minute to make sure I’m not about to wake up and realise this was all just a dream.’
‘Oh Nic, I’m so pleased for you.’ Jess wrapped her arms around Nicole and the lump that had formed in Ella’s throat suddenly got even bigger. Sometimes it was easy to see the bad in the world, but there was so much selflessness in this room alone. Jess wasn’t any less joyful for Nicole because she was waiting for her own call from the clinic, and Jemima had never considered putting herself before Leo. Dan had shown Ella time and time again that he was every bit as willing to put her first, too, and suddenly she was more determined than ever that she was always going to do the same. Sometimes she felt as if she took what she and Dan had for granted and showing him how much their relationship meant to her could slip down the list of priorities all too easily, when her job was so all consuming. It was time to make sure Dan knew that whatever else was going on in her life, she’d never stop putting him first either.